Saturday 29 March 2008

U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi You Ugleh!

Said Joanne, my beautiful ladywife to me one morning. That's not strictly true, but I am pretty ugly. So i decided to try this thing I saw on American Psycho. It's something girls do. Imagine my delight when I found out I could buy one for a mere 98p from Asda, and it's a mans one. I guess that just means it's got more in it because we have bigger faces.

Remember at school when you put glue over your hand, waited for it to dry, then peeled it off pretending it was skin? This is the same except you are allowed to do it. It would take about 30 sachets to cover your whole body (in Joannes estimation).

1. Open Packet of purple man cream N/H



















2. Apply to face, become shiny, wait 20 mins while looking thoughtful. Don't move.














3. Stand in front of large (dirty) hallway mirror.















4. Start Peeling!














5. Take your time. Try and get it on one piece, like after bad sunburn. (you can't eat if after though).















6. Pull it around a bit while wifey takes pictures.




















7. Show all the dead skin stuck to glue.



















8. Have a tanned face in the mirror- continue to peel















9. Make a funny skin/glue hood















10. Put in the scary eyes. Wash before use. Don't share with others.















11. Look dashing with a beard and contemplate keeping on face for a day or 2



















12. Complete removal of glue















13. Get the bits you missed (try not to get it stuck in your eyebrows because that hurts getting it off.)















14. Triumphantly display first successful facial peel and stroke clean face.
















15. (not pictured) Wrap up in a warm blanket, watch dancing and boybands on Youtube for 2 hours while eating jellybeans.


I never said I was Rock and Roll!